Tuesday, January 31, 2006

One Coin

30 January 2006, 10:30 PM

Discontent is no longer
an appropriate description

Utter humiliation is closer to reality

Other times
I couldn't be more proud
of where I've come from where I've been

I think
are folly

opposite sides of the same coin

This flagellant self-deprecation betrays
a hubris not worthy of the glory
of the image innate within my person
whose beauty my artistry could never have attained

There is a place
far more deeply interfused with wisdom
than a happy medium

It is a different existence altogether

less preoccupied with blame and credit
more concerned with personhood

Monday, January 30, 2006

I Hope There Will Be Poetry

30 January 2006, 10:50 PM

There will come a day of light
which has no source in sun
or even firefly

though I hope there will be fireflies

even sunshine warm upon my face

There will come a day when laughter will replace
the grief which hangs so heavy on my brow

a day when tears of sadness finally will bow
to tears of joy

I do hope there will be tears of joy

There can be such a sweetness in weeping
for loss of what was good
for hope of the incomparable better
for gain of the incorruptible best

There will come a day when all these words
will be superfluous
perhaps even obsolete

though I do hope there will always be poetry

There is such beauty in striving through futility
to proclaim the wonder
majesty of Paradise


30 January 2006, 10:39 PM

The darkness
cannot be as prevalent as it seems

I live by this truth

for if it be not truth
then life and breath must fail me
for mercy’s sake

Yet the darkness
creeps within my home
before my eyes
hiding in places none should ever dare to go

But I must

else the darkness
ever deeper
threaten to undo redemption
before it even


30 January 2006, 2:10 PM

If it takes a lifetime
I will turn this grief inside out

I will pray for the violators
love those who do not love
forgive the unpardonable
release when I am desolate

By God’s grace
I will turn this grief inside out


30 January 2006, 1:55 PM

I'm sad today
There's no escaping the reality of my sorrow

Perhaps I no longer need

My grief could carry with it hope
for something better

This state of being
and any other that eludes some innate ideal
serves to remind me I'm meant for something
more than what I perceive

Until now I assumed
I was discontent because
I want something I can't have

I think it may be more accurate to say
I'm sad because there's so much I want
that I don't need
and there's so much coming
for which I have not the patience
to wait

Maintaining Darkness

17 January 2006, 2:04 AM

It takes very little energy
to maintain darkness
I think that’s why we do it

Once deception is established
all one has to do to see it’s kept
is not turn on the light
and as long as night reigns
so also does the ruse

It’s a simple ray of morning
sunshine that pierces the walls
breaks the cardinal rule
spilling in through cracks
and crevices we couldn’t see
by light of denial

Then the mansion is exposed
and we also
laid bare by daybreak
suddenly naked and ashamed
and quite surprised besides
though we should have known this
day would come

We should have longed for it

Most often
we are caught unawares
for we have let down our guard
We have spent our diligence
maintaining darkness

Monday, January 16, 2006

Worth the Read

16 January 2006, 1:16 PM

I didn’t know what to make of you
back then

I knew you loved me
because you welcomed me
fed me and mine
entered into relationship with one who
by all relevant indications
might prove more hindrance than help

Over time it has become clear
that you love me
not only because you’ve welcomed and fed me
put up with my eccentricities
opened your door
and even allowed me to open it a time or two

but also because you seek to know
to speak my language
to love me in ways that I will understand

You’ve become something akin to sister
and even alike to mother
(I intend no offense)
for the places you’d never have chosen to go
you enter for me

You know my story
what’s more
you find me worth the read

Thank you


16 January 2006, 11:16 AM

He told me it’s lovely in December
here beside the reservoir
even in the biting wind
He said I ought not miss the sight

I neglected December
but January is milder than it’s been in years
and sitting here is lovelier than I’ve felt since
before my Sycamore lost her lovely green

She still bears
will always wear her splendid dappled skin
so bare yet so beautiful

She may be most beautiful
in consenting to be naked in the sun
white and sage and brown
unobscured and unencumbered

He told me it’s lovely in December
here beside the reservoir

It’s lovelier yet
the colder it gets

I must learn to take it in
remember as I walk towards
the comfort of my home



16 January 2006, 11:07 AM

There’s a little rock-fort
at the foot of the Sycamore beside the reservoir
It faces south
as does she

I sit upon the stony ledge
watch the ripples coming
perpetually rolling toward the shore

They never turn back

though there’s nowhere left to go
Whither do those ripples wash away?
They disappear beyond the confines of the reservoir
They roll along far past the place at which
my eyes fail to see them any longer

Perhaps there is a place
beyond the murky boundaries of the reservoir
where water finally meets its mark
finds me unprepared for its
gracious brutality
in the moment when I cease failing to see
those waters of the reservoir have less to do with
simple lovely imagery
and more to do with what I’ve never sought to see
what I’ve struggled not to see
inside of me


16 January 2006, 11:01 AM

Little ones they once were too
with sins against their persons hurled
not fitting to be written on this page
Now they give to others
the wounds they have received

Taken as a whole
their crimes belong to humanity
and also to me
All were vulnerable to such atrocities
when we were green
and each is capable of rendering the same

Renewal is far more taxing than corruption
capacity may wane in some
now we are grown brown and woody

It stands to reason
Taken as a whole
the redemption of one belongs to humanity

My healing paves the way
to greater things for them
not only for me and mine

A charge I keep
to struggle hard against this yoke
we bear
this broken humanity

for my sake and for theirs

Strange Nave

14 January 2006, 11:08 PM

I stood there in the midst of a strange Nave
wondering if those back home were missing us

as we stood there in the midst of a strange Nave
Sights and sounds and smells were
simultaneously familiar and foreign
Incense may not change from House to House
though voices do
and I longed for just a moment to be back
in the House of my father
with those who have graced my life with their love

Tears welled up behind my eyes
Truth suddenly dawned that I have a Home
a House I call my own
and fathers
brothers who form the heart
of a place which houses my heart

And as light filled the darkness in my mind
a familiar voice rang out across the Nave:

“Blessed is our God always
now and ever and unto ages of ages”

It was the voice of my father
It was the sound of my Home

Your Company

14 January 2006, 10:57 PM

It’s not such a long walk
from where I am
to where you are

Every one of you is waiting
for me to realize how very close
how very attainable
is your company

I’m swiftly learning there will be
no escape from the inevitable
if I truly wish to live within


seems so fleeting at times
and yet I find you waiting around
every corner in my mind
plucked to the fore by little things
that cross my line of vision
whether I expect them or not

You’re not so very far away
I’m learning to hear you

Even as I seek to run
I know that when I turn around
you’ll still be there waiting
for me to realize how very close
how very attainable
is your company


14 January 2006, 10:52 PM

I had been silent so long

I could have found so much to say
so very long ago
but for loss of my voice

Even my will was raped away
If I’d had words to speak
I’d have struggled for volition

These days there seems no way to stop
the flow of words tumbling from my fingertips
The dam has given way
and if one could place

every greeting we’ve exchanged
every curse I’ve screamed
every entreaty that has fallen on your ears
every lamentation finally released
every endearment proffered
every blessing poured out
every word of thanksgiving spoken
every farewell
end to end

my words would prove inadequate
to measure out the space between
the time before you came into my life

and now

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Beauty of Ashes

3 January 2006, 11:31 PM

They left a candle burning-
each her own, and his.
Long they waited
each in turn adding a flame
until all about the sleeping
Shepherdess was blazing
with the fire of suns long set
below horizon’s edge.

One day she will wake and see
the beauty they have made
of ashes.

Monday, January 02, 2006


1 January 2006, 5:33 PM

Once in an Azure Moon
hope finds its way through despair
and all that once held no meaning
beyond shame
becomes priceless;
for the bridges spanned
in the journey toward redemption
would never have become if not for
the faithless wounds and the faithful
tenderness which heals them
even in the midst of the storm.

Another Vignette for Lisa

Dear Lisa,

I've been at it again-
I've filled this page up with my pen,
or rather with my keyboard.

And now my thoughts are safely stored.
Find below some reading for you,
and I had better "skiddley-doo"
off to bed...

for I've been reduced to Simpson-isms
in order to rhyme.



New Year's Eve

31 December 2005, 1:29 PM

The year is drawing to a close
and I’m sitting here waiting
for my son to come home
so we can celebrate

He has no idea of the darkness I’ve seen
the anger I’ve felt, the places I’ve been
inside myself so that


he too may walk these lovely shores
see this silver sand beneath his feet
and know that weeping can be sweet

This year will see me begin
My third decade of life and yet
I’ve only just taken my first breath

May thirty find me
more alive than ever I have been
ready now to live and breathe
maybe even love again

It is time

I’ve waited patiently but eagerly to end
this book you now hold in your hands
The day has finally come
and while there’s surely more to say
for now
I’m done

I’ll start afresh tomorrow
knowing yesterday is just that
It lies behind me
and I shall never see it
I shall never walk that shore again
though surely I shall visit now and then
in my thoughts and visions

Come now the new and shining years
the unknown and the certain tears
the facing up to every joy and fear
of all that is to come

Do Not Wake the Shepherdess

30 December 2005, 1:09 PM

Dark clouds roll
Grow gray and argue fervently
But do not wake the Shepherdess

Deep she sleeps as Lion creeps
In Lowlands grassy green and ringed
With Sycamores the Lost Ones weep

Another came to lead them home
Led them far afield
Among bare trunks and dry
Strewn leaves of Sycamores

The Shepherdess is sleeping
As mountains in the distance quake
She barely stirs

Branches far above her shake
Raped by angry winds which break
Against the boughs
But do not wake the Shepherdess

Conversations with a Sycamore

28 December 2005, 6:31 PM

I remember saying a storm was coming
Quite suddenly I realize it's here
I'm caught off guard
Despite my fretting

With darkening clouds
Comes a sense of grief
And yet a sullen sort of relief
Perhaps I'll never have to be
Ordinary after all
There will always be butterflies in spring
Dark birds
Rising from the ashes of sultry summer
And on the horizon
Glimmering despite the overcast
Sky of autumn's seeming dead calm

Dappled and beautiful

So patiently for me to find
Courage to follow desire into her world
To see the colors adorning her branches
Especially when all else goes cold
And the chill wind bites
Renders wool and hot tea
Feeble comfort

Even then
She blazes like the summer sun
She is not one to balk at weather
whether or not it pleases her

So beautiful
I see her in my mind's eye
Now bare against a winter sky
Waiting patiently for me to see
For me to look up from my busy work
My very very busy work

Catch a glimpse of her


19 December 2005, 9:53 PM

This stagnant mask exposed
A thin deception
Veiling the flow of time
Binding her to ways
She ought not to hold sacred

If it were as simple as turning
She’d have done it long ago
She cannot say it any simpler
Than to say it takes time

One must be patient to see it

Yet in the end
Darkness recedes
Color pleads for expression
Finds voice in this yearning
She cannot comprehend

If it were as simple as speaking
She’d have said it long ago
She cannot say it any simpler
Than to say it can’t be said

One has to see it to know it

For a Rooftop Dweller

5 December 2005, 10:15 AM

I am not dwelling on
I’m dealing with

The fact that you can’t see me
Only serves to prove the point

You have never dealt with

All your life you’ve fought not to
Struggled to move past
To get on with

And you wonder why
You can’t get around

You cannot dwell elsewhere
Until you climb down from it
Go inside and dwell
Sit a spell
Study the hearth
The halls
The pictures on the walls
The stains
Upon the well-worn carpet

And the very cold
Very bare floor

Be haunted by the mournful creak
Of rocking chair
The solitary moan of chimney
As North Wind makes her endless pass
Over the roof

Where you stubbornly sit and wonder
Why you are so cold

The stair

The stair is waiting for your steps
Longing for the day you come again
Let her carry you to places
You have been

Long forgotten

Darkened doorways
Consuming fright
Sweat-damp sheets
Extinguished light

Face the night
Accept your plight

Cease denying what has been
It need not come back ‘round again
Turn your back to the North Wind

Begin again

George MacDonald

"Home is ever so far away in the palm of your hand, and how to get there it is of no use to tell you. But you will get there; you must get there; you have to get there. Everybody who is not at home, has to go home."

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